Zany Zodiac

December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005

December 2004

ARIES (March 21-April 19) The Ram’s tendency to leap before you look will serve you well this month. Your strong desire to always be first will be rewarded, after all, you can’t go wrong when charging under the Christmas tree, something under there is bound to have your name on it!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) A good month to be the Bull. There will be no shortages of opportunities this holiday season to do what you do best; overindulge in good food and drink as the month progresses. Your natural desire “to have” will peak around the 25^th!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) The Twins will both come in handy as you try to accomplish the seven tasks you’ve set out to do all at once this month. Running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off is what you do best. Your quick wit and gift of the gab will make you the life of every party!

CANCER (June 21-July 22) The Crab’s hard shell protects your soft insides. Lots of opportunities this month to indulge in your sensitive side as Hallmark commercials abound every night on the television. Your family will love you as you are not only a good provider, but manage money well. To them, this equals lots of presents!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) The holiday season defines the noble Lion. You are colorful, happiest when in front of an audience and love children. You are impractical and your opinions are known to have no relation to the facts. Don’t look now, you’re Santa Claus!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) As the Goddess of the Harvest, you will reap a bountiful crop this month. Create a Christmas list that reflects your appreciation for quality and understated good taste. Apply your ability to play the martyr; use guilt as a weapon and present the list to all those who have recently been ignoring you!

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The Scales may prove to be your downfall this month. Being highly sociable and elegant provides many opportunities over the holidays to be tempted by sweets. Your tendency to even things out may find you with a gingerbread man in one hand and a shortbread cookie in the other!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The Scorpion’s ability to keep a secret means you’ll know what everyone else is getting for Christmas. You, on the other hand, are getting “everyone else”. Knowing you are sentimental about close family, they will all land on your doorstep for the holidays. Your wish list will quickly be whittled down to two items: Peace and Quiet!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Being a four legged creature, the Archer/Horseman/Centaur should get all your Christmas shopping done early and plan on staying indoors around the 24^th . The expression “I see” may apply to you, but Santa’s getting old and with failing eyesight you may find yourself strapped to a sleigh with some unscheduled travel plans!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The Goat climbing up a mountain. Eagerly desiring material security, December is a good month for you. Isn’t it nice to know after 40 your life will level off and you will discover your sense of humor? Though still unwilling to be the brunt of any joke, it doesn’t matter what this horoscope says, you’re not going to find it funny!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) There is no end to group efforts and charitable events this holiday season. The humanitarian water carrier is drawn to both. Exercise caution and steer clear of the punch bowl, a public setting may not be the most desirous when your penchant for exhibitionism kicks in!

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Two fish swimming in different directions, you are both generous and impractical. You will discover what goes around, comes around. Though you tend to spend more than you have, on the 25^th you will experience a windfall! (top of page)

January 2005

ARIES (March 21-April 19) January is always the perfect month for the Ram. New Year’s resolutions are right up your alley, for you are known to be a great starter. Also known to be a bad finisher, you won’t let that stop you. You’ll “charge right in” with the best of intentions to graduate top of the class in those Flamenco lessons!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) A bit moody now that celebrations are winding down, the bull may have a tendency to indulge in lazy behavior. You will use this downtime wisely to contemplate your resolutions, for though you are known to be a slow beginner, once on track there’s no budging you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) No worries for the Twins, New Year’s resolutions will be anything BUT going on a diet - When all is “said and done” you remained slim amongst the rich, calorie laden treats because you were too busy talking to stop and eat anything over the holidays.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) The last thing you’ll be is “crabby” this month. You keep everything. No battling the crowds at the mall as they exchange their gifts. Besides, your ability to walk sideways and skirt the issues means you won’t even bother with troublesome New Year’s resolutions. Two reasons to smile all month.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) The Lion has a strong constitution. You have the ability to conquer your problems, many of which are of your own making, due to overindulgence. Santa just needs a nap. Your feline nature takes over this month and you will spend it recovering from the limelight you craved in December.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) January is one of the Goddess’ favorite months. Your penchant for perfection and striving to improve all around you (whether they need it or not) means you will lean on your favorite phrase “I analyze”. This then sets up the perfect scenario for your next favorite pass-time; acting the martyr when those around you ignore your advice. You go Goddess!

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) A quiet month for the Scales. With the holiday season spent working hard and playing harder, in the pursuit of balance, January will be spent sleeping off all the indulgences of the holiday season. If your partnered with Leo or Pisces, you’ll do fine this month.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The Scorpion will begin the new year relying on your remarkable recuperative powers. You will draw on them all as the family that you love finally stuffs their bags, their kids and their presents into their cars and heads home after the holidays!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Restless and loving to travel, everything in you says “Go”. Even your sign is made up of three elements: Archer/Centaur/Horseman and they all take flight. There are no actual Sagittarians reading this zodiac this month, the Senior Connector’s circulation doesn’t extend all the way to Florida.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Settled in life (and in your ways), the Goat will find New Year’s resolutions a snap. Why, it takes no effort at all to vow to hold a grudge forever!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Can’t cook but will eat anything. You are in your glory Water Carrier, for January is full of leftovers!

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) January has a reputation for being somewhat dark and dreary. The Fish delight in music, art and dance, and are known for their ability to adapt. Kick off 2005 by indulging in a huge bowl of popcorn and snuggle in to enjoy all the new DVD’s Santa brought you. What could be more adaptable than that? (top of page)

February 2005

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Ardent Arians, your colour of choice is Red, what better for Valentine’s Day? A word of advice; keep your ears covered this month, not against the cold… turns out you share your sign with Vincent Van Gogh, and we all know the lengths he went to in the name of love.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Take heed all those in love with the Bull, the way to this man’s heart is definitely through his stomach. Ruled by Venus, the path to the bedroom is laced with good food and great wine. Preferring long term relationships, Taureans make wonderful life partners. Step one: make dinner reservations, and since the sign is shared with Fred Astaire, make them at a dine and dance!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) The communicator, ruled by Mercury. You are a red hot flirt whose best match is with a solid sign willing to tolerate your antics. With fellow Geminis being Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe, who can blame you? Find a partner who is articulate, easy-going, exciting and daring, then get on with what really counts (talking about it) and you’ll be in heaven.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) With famous Cancerians Ginger Rogers and Imelda Marcos, one can only hope you’re partnered with Taurus this month. You not only have the ability to cut a rug you have the shoes for the occasion too! Plan B: you could surprise your valentine. Renowned for never throwing anything away – dig deep in that bottom drawer and pull out that risqué outfit that you KNOW you have buried somewhere!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Ruled by the Sun, you have energy and combined with your capacity for unlimited sexual lust. You can be a lover to be reckoned with. Usually you are a balanced sign with the wisdom to not have these traits dominate your life. My suggestion, for one night, dig out those old vinyl favorites by fellow Leo Count Basie and let the lion roar!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The sign of the virgin, any wonder you have fellow Virgo Mother Theresa amongst you? But don’t be discouraged, there’s still hope for Valentine’s Day, also amongst your numbers are Sophia Loren & Mickey Mouse. Virgos love lists, here goes: Expensive bottle of Italian wine and cheese, lots of cheese. You’ll do fine.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Romantic and charming, with Venus as your ruling planet it’s no wonder Libran Deborah Kerr had “An Affair to Remember”. The secret to your success this month will be to throw a lavish party (right up your alley) and keep a sharp eye out for anyone who sounds even remotely like Cary Grant.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Scorpions are passionate, often star-crossed lovers. It comes as no surprise Katherine Hepburn shares your sign. A highly compatible pairing for you would be with another Scorpio. Fortunately, you can count the perfect “10”, Bo Derek amongst the ranks. Not too shabby!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) The Archer, straight forward in love… my funny valentine you share this sign with Old Blue Eyes himself. So get out your bow and arrow and go hunting, for you love the chase (even if it is around the living room).

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The randy goat is good natured, most Capricornians marry for life. Valentine’s Day for you could prove to be very fruitful. You share an alliance with Elvis Presley, your partner knows you are a hunk, a hunk of burning love!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The water carrier falls into two types: shy or exhibitionist. It’s not hard to figure out which category burlesque queen Gypsy Rose Lee fell into. Fellow Aquarians only have to take a lesson from her, grab a bunch of red balloons & 1 pin, your Valentine’s Day is sure to be a success!

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) You revel in romantic fantasies, enjoying all the hearts and flowers that accompany courtship. For added flare this Valentine’s Day, why not call up fellow fish Lawrence Welk and ask to borrow his bubble machine? (top of page)

March 2005

ARIES (March 21-April 19) 1st sign of the zodiac, no wonder you love to be first! Celebrate yourselves Arians, along with the arrival of spring. Both the weather and your moods are sure to change for the better, after all the Easter Bunny puts in an appearance this month, and that means chocolate, lots of chocolate.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) The bull is known for indulgence, particularly of food. Having said that, you will share your Easter chocolate, (as soon as you’ve had your fill). Warning, steer clear of boiled eggs, especially the pickled ones at the pub on St. Patty’s Day. Certain side effects have been known to clear a room.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) The twins’ social life will peak around the 17th of March, especially if you find yourself in the vicinity of an Irish Pub. Brace yourself for slight weight gain at end of the month. You crave both chocolate and information. Naturally, it follows you must sample all Easter treats before deciding which ones to recommend.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) The Crab is looking forward to Easter celebrations. Family is your priority and wisely you consider it one of the good things in life. You like to savor the good things in life. (Do not take chocolate offered by a Cancerian, he’s been licking it to make it last longer.)

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) March is renowned for coming In like a lion, going out like a lamb. Leo is everyone’s best buddy in an Easter Egg Hunt, grabbing all he can and making a run for it! Those around you with less popular personalities are wearin’ o’ the green (of envy) as they witness your vitality, generosity and sunny disposition.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Skip St. Patty’s (too loud and messy),most Virgos will move right along to Easter. You are a perfectionist who knows quality and has an eye for detail… you expect only solid chocolate treats, wrapped in nice purple hues from that wonderful store in the mall. Nothing else will do.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) March is a fine month for the Scales. With the arrival of spring on the 20th, day and night are equal. All is in balance. All is right with your world. Plus you have the added bonus of chocolate on the 27th … You love variety and have no preference – dark, milk, white, and you’ll share!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Although you could care less about chocolate, you do appreciate someone to share it with… see Libra. You can be quiet, but possess a gregarious personality that doesn’t mind being the center of attention. Check out the singer at the karaoke bar on St. Patty’s Day, it just may be a Scorpion.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Sagittarians, like spring, are known for being a “breath of fresh air”. Ruled by Jupiter you have the “luck of the Irish” with you always. A dual sign, the Archer can be quite frank as you possess the ability to cut through the “blarney” in any situation. Maybe that’s why you’re known as the bachelor sign?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) This old goat knows the benefits of chocolate… a reputation for being an aphrodisiac, with the powers to bestow a sense of well-being on those who partake. Among your colours, chocolate brown. Capricorns seem to defy the aging process, maintaining a remarkable youthful appearance from your middle years well into old age, not to mention developing a healthy sense of humour along the way. Who needs green? It’s all about brown, chocolate brown!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) An intellectual and lover of science, Aquarians can be found exploring unorthodox fields of study. You are the most likely sign of the zodiac to spend the 1st day of spring balancing a raw egg on it’s end, then attempt it the next day just to disprove the theory.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Winter doldrums be gone, everything is green! Not only do the fish herald the 1st day of Spring this year, you own the lucky leprechauns every March. Go on, kiss the Blarney Stone (or kiss the ‘blarney bloke’ beside you). Either way, you’ve plenty to celebrate this month. (top of page)

April 2005

ARIES (March 21-April 19) The Ram’s desire for a clean, uncluttered life goes all to pieces when it comes to money. Spring fever equals spending for Arians in April. The urge to clean may hit you next month as you’re forced to “pick up the pieces”.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Sloppy and messy, you’re at the top of the heap when it comes to clutter. The Bull doesn’t understand why April contains no national holidays? The Monday after daylight savings should be declared National Nap Day! Unfortunately, you’re too lazy to start circulating the petition.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Like a couple of spring fairies, the Twins flit from task to task, barely skimming the surface… at least the dusting will get done.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Although it’s just begun, you can’t wait for this season to end. The Crab’s “ability to accumulate” has you thinking a breath of fresh air is just what your friends need. Then maybe they’d go away and stop offering to help you spring clean.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) The sunny bouquet that rests in the center of your table reflects the Lion’s ability to find “a place for everything, and everything in it’s place”. Besides, you are narcissistic. It is only natural you would be surrounded by daffodils.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) There is no need for spring cleaning at your house for you are meticulous. The Virgin’s nit-picking pays off until the golf course opens and your partner disappears. Out on the greens means out of earshot.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) True to your nature, spring finds you sitting on the fence… on just about every issue and major decision. Lucky Librans know, charm and willingness to compromise means this is never a problem (for them).

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The nocturnal Scorpion possesses remarkable powers of recuperation. Not so with other signs. Beware, when all around you have had 1 hour less sleep, your lack of tolerance may bring out the “sting” in your words.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Let’s get to the heart of the matter (Sagittarian ears just perked up)… you ain’t no spring chicken. Your penchant for risky pursuits has you contemplating roller blades to celebrate the warm weather. Warning: possessing four legs will not prevent the fall.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) No surprise to you spring isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The pessimistic Goat was expecting nothing less than April showers to bring May flowers.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The Water Carrier is coming into your own this month. More daylight finds you tiptoeing through the tulips contemplating the beauty in both Mother Nature and your Aquarian nature. Hence the quirky spaceship you have adorning the flowerbed.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Others may think it’s a shame your wishy-washy nature couldn’t be applied to your walls. The easily swayed fish will be hard to pin down when the sun shines in April. For you, the term “nature calls” will not involve the bathroom.(top of page)

May 2005

May is National Speech and Hearing Awareness Month – What better time to change the batteries in your hearing aid?

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Always the first to change the batteries, the Ram will charge right in. Not only do Arians face problems “head on”, you are practical and always have an abundance of spares on hand for just such an occasion.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Let it be known, the Bull shall not be rushed. Stubborn Taureans refuse help from anyone mumbling about offering assistance. It’s your hearing aid, all yours! No one else is allowed to touch it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) The Twins never have to worry about dead batteries and hearing aids. You never let them run down, thus ensuring you can always hear what’s going on. How else could you get the last word in?

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Cancerians enjoy peace and quiet. You are quite happy to let the month of May roll right by. Leery of change, the Crab will switch the batteries when you’re in the mood and not before.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Ever seeking the spotlight, the Lion will be quite content to wait for the first family barbecue to change the batteries in your hearing aid. Not only will everyone applaud, you’ll be able to hear it.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The Virgin will discover there is no time to change the batteries in your hearing aid. You are too busy changing everyone else’s.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) A dead battery means one ear is deaf and one is not. The Scales seem quite content to achieve balance by maintaining the status quo. Besides, lucky Librans know, you are deaf on the “wife side” and installing the battery would mean you could hear the pleas to take out the garbage.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The secretive sign, Scorpions change hearing aid batteries on a regular basis. You just never tell anyone. Then you sit back and listen to what everyone says about you. You have revised your will three times.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) The Sagittarian woman is the one who told the doctor, “They used to be” when he said, “Big breaths”. You spend so much time studying the manual, you never actually get around to changing the batteries.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Why should you bother to change the batteries? They will only run down again, anyway. Word to the wise… (you old goat) CCR is singing, “There’s a bad moon on the rise” not, “There’s a bathroom on the right.” Believe me. Really.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Aquarians have seen it all, you just haven’t heard any of it. Renowned for treating people from all walks of life as equals, you are happiest not wearing a hearing aid. That way everyone sounds like Bob Dylan.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) The Fish would surely change the batteries in your hearing aid… if you could only remember where you put it. (top of page)